i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
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