I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
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