I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
