Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
