Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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