You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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