He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
How does it feel to date your dad?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
