apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
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