Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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