guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
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