What did we do last night that was yellow?
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
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