I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
