The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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