Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
