when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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