Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
