My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
