Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
