Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
