You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
