she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
