so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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