The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
