Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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