dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
