My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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