you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
