your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
