Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
