If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
