Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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