21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
