woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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