On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Every concussion has its silver lining
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
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