you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
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