If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
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I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
