if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
