Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
