my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Randomize
