If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
