if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
