You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
