sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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