I met the friendliest cop last night
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
