Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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