upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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