i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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