Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
