Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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