He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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