Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
